Odds On Idol: It's Almost That Time Again...

Breaking a long-standing tradition, I've forced myself to watch a sampling of the car crash that is the series of pre-voting episodes of American Idol. Why did I endure the brain-numbing prospect of watching guest judges like Victoria Beckham and Katy Perry attempt to mine tiny gems of brilliance from a colossal mountain of desperate, miserable, self-important hopefuls? Why put myself through it? Why not blow it off to spend time doing something fulfilling and productive? I do it for you -- my readers. Both of you. And, of course I wanted to check out how Ellen is going to carry out her newly assigned judicial duties. 

I don't think we're going to miss Paula. Gone are the days of rousing and extemporaneous standing ovations and spray-tanned raised arms swaying to mediocre renditions of weary ballads and soured rock anthems. No longer will we suffer through the tearfully mawkish appraisals that predictably gushed from Paula's slurring yap. Ironically, in Abdul's absence, Randy might actually be the softy on the panel. "Yo dog, your performance of that joint was, uh, I don't know... kinda... uh, stirring."


Judge What's Her Name, fresh off of a completely unsolicited bikini photo shoot in Maxim Magazine, (seriously, who requested that?) seems determined to prove herself the resident "expert" on the panel as she inconsistently doles out her almost random plaudits and pans. She judges as if she's using a Magic 8-ball. 


Thankfully, we can rely on Simon to leave a slew of slaughtered aspirations in his wake during his alleged final season -- the one before he goes off to dig a new gold mine.

Enter Ellen DeGeneres, who is uniquely qualified for to be an American Idol judge because she has undoubtedly purchased a lot of CDs. We all know Ellen was brought in for one reason. Ellen is the only one that can help us limp through that inevitable episode when there are eight contestants remaining and it's Brooks & Dunn week and we've heard "BootScootin' Boogie" one too many times.


Ellen will be funny -- and she is funny -- and she'll help the whole of America separate the chaff from wheat until we reach the final two, when America will -- right on cue -- pick the wrong contestant to win. One promising note, Ellen has shown that she can be delectably snarky in her criticism. We all know how critical snarky is -- especially when dreams are being crushed in front of millions on primetime network television. Let's hope to God she's not just posing for us and she actually brings a stiletto to the party. 


We get started in earnest next week as we trudge our way through the remaining twelve boys and twelve girls. There are at least a dozen horrifying performances awaiting us and hopefully enough respectable showings to help us justify, at least in our own minds, the hours we spend watching this ridiculous, yet incredibly entertaining circus.